This post contains rude words and adult humour! 

Do people keep asking you when you’re having kids? Does it stress you out? Do you want to poke them in the eye? Read this instead!

Whether you’re childless by choice or on your fifth IVF cycle, wouldn’t it be nice if people would stop asking when you’re going to get knocked up? Why is it nearly always some woman that’s had a million kids already? Here are some extremely rude clapbacks to that question to make you giggle. We take no responsibility if you decide to use any of them – but please leave us a comment below if you do!

You could take the magical approach:

“I’m sorry that my vagina isn’t David Copperfield’s hat, Karen. You’ve probably managed to pull five rabbits and a balloon animal out of yours, as well as your three beautiful children. I’m afraid mine’s just a dusty old wizard’s sleeve with nothing but glitter up it though.”

Let’s go straight to the gutter:

“Well Barbara, I keep shouting ‘WRONG HOLE!’ during sex, but to be honest my husband plays Slayer so loud that I don’t think he can hear me.”

David Bowie fans take note:

“Well, I did have a baby actually Susan. Unfortunately, the Goblin King ran off with it.”

“Got any more insensitive questions about my reproductive system, Amanda?”

For our endo sisters:

“Because my uterus is trying to kill me, Elizabeth.”

Ask for clarification:

“When am I having kids? Are you asking about my uterine health, my sex life or my finances, Kathleen?”

How about a bit of brutal honesty?

“Because the world is on fire and we’re facing civil war, Amelia. I was thinking more along the lines of health insurance and a motorcycle.”

Try pulling this face when people ask you when you’re having kids.

If you’re feeling bitchy, own it:

“Because I’m only 27, but that’s like a hundred and fifty-nine in Bitch Years, so I’m probably too old.”

One for the Red Dwarf fans:

“I would love to have a baby, but the King of the Potato People won’t let me.”

Just straight up freak her out:

“Apparently you have to do this thing called ‘sex’ to get a baby. We’ve just been playing backgammon this whole time, lol.”

Leave her speechless:

“The cysts on my ovaries whisper to me at night. They say ‘you’ll never be a mother, and you’ll have a moustache like Borat by the time you’re 35!”

Too much information:

“I’ve been swallowing sperm for a year now, and I still haven’t got pregnant. Am I doing it wrong?”

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