Hello, endo, where are you?
My painful friend has pleasantly deserted me. Upped and left. No bout of hospital inducing crippling pain as a final farewell, just gone. For the last four months, I have experienced pain-free periods. A monumental moment for my health. One I can’t let pass without documenting.
For someone who has become accustomed to pain, instead of relief, I feel lost. Anger, almost. My fiend of a companion for over 15 years, the brute who bloats my body, the thief of my fertility, the snake that keeps me in a constant state of constriction in life. I have accepted endometriosis is a part of me. I have simply forgotten how to live a pain-free life.
For me, endometriosis is like a full-time job. I plan around its spiteful schedule, check pain killers are in supply, juggle hospital appointments and scans, scrutinize food ingredients for triggers and organise workouts between potential flare-ups. This constant regime on top of IVF appointments and demanding work life takes its toll, I am often exhausted. Have I been made redundant?
This disease is a beast and not one to be taken lightly. You need to stay alert and always be one step ahead. I have adapted every aspect of my life, my mindset included, to be able to cope with the trials and tribulations endometriosis brings.
It’s changed me from a carefree teenager into an unbreakable adult who proceeds with caution. And yet like a wildfire that’s raged for years, destructing every organ in its path, the wind has changed, and all that’s left is a desolate body that can never recover from the emotional scars it has burned.
Endo and me
The last two months should’ve been more painful than most. A fresh and frozen IVF would usually have my endo enraged. I cleared my diary expecting to be bedridden for a few days. Yet other than some minor bloating, there were no symptoms.
I continued to take painkillers for no other reason than peace of mind. I even ran. Yes, ran, as I moved my legs at a faster pace. Exercise during a period is impossible for me. This was a first.
I have wracked my brain for a reason why. And I simply don’t have one. Like the doctors who can’t tell me why my endometriosis is so aggressive, I have no answer for why it would suddenly lay dormant.
My diet hasn’t changed. In fact, I’ve lived off rosé, pastries and pasta for the majority of the summer – hey, don’t judge, if I can’t go to the Med, I’ll at least embrace its cuisine.
The only minor change is I have improved my exercise routine. I do Pilates, pole fitness and a short run once a week. Let’s use the word run very loosely here. It’s more of a shuffle for about 2k (more like one), but I have seen a significant difference in my strength through the classes.
Or maybe it’s mindset and manifestation that I’ve been advocating all year? Only you have the power to change the way you perceive things.
Have I tricked my mind into believing my body is healthy and fertile?
Only time will tell, watch out for my next column to find out if things have changed, will endo have reared its ugly head again?