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black woman in cream underwear holding a red flower over her vagina

7 things you should never put up your vagina – and 7 things to go town with!

Things that upset the delicate balance of your vagina can cause issues - Never fear artisanal dildos are still on the fandango-friendly list.

Gwyneth Paltrow is not your vagina’s friend!

We’re firm believers in the “your body, your choice” philosophy. From self-care to kinks, as long as it’s making you healthy or happy, then it’s all good in the (clitoral) hood. However – and we can’t believe we need to say this to adults – there are some things that definitely do not belong up your ningnong, for some very serious reasons. 

Glitter, vodka and prize-winning allotment marrows have sadly not made the cut, in this edit of objects and substances, with which with you can safely inbox your bajingo. Never fear though, because cannabis lube and futuristic, artisanal dildos are still on the fandango-friendly list.

Can vaginal health affect fertility?

Our website is focused on fertility, so we’re all about taking care of your reproductive organs. Things that upset the delicate balance of your vagina can lead to problems such as irritation, bacterial vaginosis and thrush. These can also inhibit the movement and lifespan of sperm in the vagina if you are trying to get pregnant. 

Can jade eggs or Yoni eggs strengthen your pelvic floor?

Nope. This isn’t the last time you’ll be hearing the name “Gwyneth Paltrow” in this article. As celebrity business niches go, sticking things up your fanny that don’t really go there, is quite an unusual USP. Gwyneth’s website Goop sold some very pretty egg-shaped stones that are made out of a mineral called jade. So far so good. They’d look nice on your mantlepiece or with your other crystals perhaps. But you’re actually supposed to stick them up your vagina. This is apparently something to do with Chinese wisdom and concubines! 

Concubine is an old-fashioned word for sex slave, and sexual exploitation is the opposite of empowerment and glamour. It’s tone-deaf of Paltrow to invoke sex trafficking as an exotic thrill, with which to spice up the marketing of something that could give you toxic shock. Goop was fined thousands of dollars for making false claims about Yoni Eggs. 

Once again, very much do not insert jade eggs or any type of crystal or stone eggs into your vagina. They don’t “detox” you or strengthen your pelvic floor, and any good vibrations that you might pick up from the crystal itself, are cancelled out by the bad vibes of glamorising sex slavery. Yikes!

How can I strengthen my pelvic floor?

There is an exercise called Kegels that is totally free, which will help to strengthen and tone your pelvic floor muscles. You can also buy specialist devices made for this purpose, which are medically approved and made from safe and cleanable material. The best thing to do first though is to speak to your doctor.

Are crystal dildos safe to use?

Hot on the crystal-healing trend, you can of course get dildos made from semi-precious stones such as amethyst, obsidian and rose quartz. We have to admit – they look really cool! 

Rock crystal dildos are best used as ornaments or external massagers. Crystals are just boujie rocks, and rock is a natural material and it is porous; once used, these spiritual strap-ons and crystal rock-cocks are difficult to fully clean. Again, this is a one-way pass to Toxic Shock city, return ticket not included. Even if you don’t end up seriously sick, there’s nothing Live, Laugh Love about bacterial vaginosis. 

Crystals are often mined in countries that have different labour laws to the UK and US. This means that it’s hard to know whether they have been ethically sourced or not. It’s a passion-killer to think that your magical Yoni wand might have been dug out of the ground by an exploited child. Grim. 

What is a good alternative to a crystal dildo?

If you really want a decorative dildo that looks like it fell off a unicorn’s head, then there are safer alternatives to natural crystal, and they’re very beautiful.

Handmade glass dildos that are made from medical-grade glass are the best alternatives. Choose artisan-made for ethical orgasms, and look for Simex or Schott glass, as this is medical-grade. 

Glass is still glass, however, and it’s not the ideal material from a safety point of view. There’s a far more comprehensive guide to glass sex toys here:

There are some amazingly creative sex toys around, that are made from vagina-friendly materials, and make stunning additions to your erotic tool kit – and you don’t have to worry about them breaking or chipping. 

Can vaginal steaming help with cramps or discharge?

Oh Gwyneth. Always with the vaginas. So, vaginal steaming had a real moment a few years ago, with celebrities such as Paltrow (again) and Chrissie Teigen getting in on the action. It’s pretty self-explanatory – you sit over a pot of hot water and steam goes up your vagina. It’s supposed to cleanse you internally, relieve cramps and a few other things. There’s no evidence that it does though.

It seems obvious to say that you shouldn’t let the steam from boiling water anywhere near your genitals, but apparently, some people don’t know this. You can definitely broil your fanny flaps doing this, and it can disturb the amazing bacterial colony that lives up there. Yes, that’s right – you have a unique colony of “friendly” bacteria in your vagina, and if you upset them, they definitely will let you know about it. Good bacteria play an important role in fertility too, so it’s best not to disturb them too much if you are trying to get pregnant. 

While most vaginal steaming fans manage not to fry their foof, or fatally anger the love-tunnel bacteria gods, another reason steaming is a potential problem, is that issues with discharge and severe cramping need medical attention. Attempting to solve them with woo-woo cures like steam allows the problem to get worse. It’s not ideal to use the word “fester” about anyone’s vagina, but that’s exactly what’s happening if you don’t get properly checked out. 

What can help with cramps and discharge?

To the doctors with you, madam or non-binary vagina owner! Discharge is normal, but if it’s unusual for you then see your doctor. You might have an infection, an STD or a reaction to medication or underwear, or of course – sticking things up your vagina that don’t really belong there. It is always best to check these things out, particularly from a fertility point of view. Don’t rely on celebrity “cures”.

Ditto cramps – period pain is common, but that doesn’t mean severe pain is normal. If your periods are debilitating, see the doctor and get checked out for endometriosis and other conditions that can cause painful periods. And don’t forget to never steam your vagina! Like, ever!

Dirty fingers do not belong up your vagina

In the heat of passion, it’s easy to get carried away during a fumble. If your partner hasn’t washed their hands or has dirt (or worse) under their nails, then you could – guess what: get an infection! Are you sensing a theme here? We wish we could say something more interesting than getting an infection – like an impromptu sky-dive or a tendency to hallucinate lemons. But yep – infection. That’s all. 

Worst-case scenario – a tiny tear from a fingernail plus germs, equals a staph infection. The vagina is fairly good at cleaning itself, so the risk is on the low side, but it definitely isn’t zero. 

What kind of fingers should be allowed up your vagina?

Clean ones, with properly cut and clean nails. While a mandatory manicure might take the romance out of a fingerbang, basic cleanliness is a lot more fun than a staph infection

Can I get drunk from tampons soaked in vodka?

This is one of those ideas that sounds a lot more fun than it actually is. It’s very difficult (but not impossible) to get drunk from putting alcohol in the vagina. Most of the time it doesn’t work, but it’s also possible to get alcohol poisoning this way too. 

Alcohol is incredibly bad for your vagina, and it is very likely that you will feel some pain or sensitivity during or afterwards. It’s a great way to get a UTI or BV, but not a practical method of getting drunk before you go out. 

Can I get high from cannabis lube?

While doing tequila slammers with your vagina is a party trick nobody can forget, it’s a terrible idea in every other way. Cannabis lube, however, can be most vagina-friendly. 

There are two main types of cannabis-infused lube. One actually gets you high, and the other reduces inflammation and enhances relaxation and sexual pleasure. CBD (the kind that doesn’t get you high) is legal in many places, but do check to make sure you’re not breaking the law before you buy or try it. 

Actual cannabis lube has pure cannabis in it, and it is designed to get you stoned as a fart. It’s not legal everywhere, so be aware of the law if you want to try it, and buy from a reputable supplier. Some people home-make cannabis lube, especially in places where it is illegal to buy commercially. It’s impossible to be sure exactly what is in a home-made concoction that you didn’t make yourself, and there could be bacteria or irritants in it. It’s also impossible to be certain of the drug dosage too, so be careful of home-made concoctions. 

If you are trying to get pregnant then you shouldn’t use cannabis lube. 

Is it safe to put fruit in your vagina?

While some people like to take the phrase “getting fruity in the bedroom” literally, it’s not a great idea to use fruit or vegetables as a sex toy. If you’ve read this far into the article, then you can probably guess that they might introduce bacteria. Fruit and veg also have microscopic skin texture, that might be rougher than it appears to the hand or eye. Finally, you don’t know what pesticides may have been sprayed onto it. 

What can you use instead of fruit?

If you do get an insatiable urge to satisfy yourself with the contents of a Riverford veg box, a condom will protect you from most issues with fruit. However, if spontaneity is your thing, it might be worth investing in an adult subscription box for the element of surprise. You can also get some fabulously fruity sex toys, if you have a hardcore banana kink. If the different temperatures and textures are right up your alley, there are dildos and vibrators for that too. 

Are glitter pessaries safe to put in a vagina?

Pussy glitter, passion dust, whatever you call them – it’s a bad idea to put glitter pills in your vagina. While the ingredients aren’t specifically unsafe, they’re not great either. Edible glitter, although safe to eat, can have microscopically sharp edges. Some cheaper versions of the original product contain non-edible glitter, which is basically plastic. Putting sugar into your vagina will disturb the bacteria too. Although it does sound like fun to delight your partner with a glittery surprise, glitter doesn’t belong in your hoo-ha! Your fajita panini surprise is precious, unique, and pretty enough already.

Alternatives to pussy glitter and passion dust

The two elements of glitter pessaries are the flavour and the glitter surprise. A vajazzle, temporary tattoo or some spectacular knickers are all safe and sexy ways to surprise and delight your partner. 

Beware flavoured lubes though. While fine to use externally, it’s best to use a water-based and sugar-free formulation to avoid upsetting the PH and bacteria balance. 

Wishing you a very safe and satisfying vaginal experience!

				
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